Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
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Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
it be like that
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”