She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
You Might Also Like
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.