*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Seek kebab; not attention
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*