today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue