Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance