Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes