God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Tremendous stuff
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Never forget.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”