“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
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I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Found the job I’m suited for
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.