Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
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Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Mad Max: Furry Road
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything