9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
You Might Also Like
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
FINE, I WON’T.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*