You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up