Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.