I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel