Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
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What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.