There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.