Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
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I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
a god among men
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything