Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
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Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.