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me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[adds another nod to the conversation]
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.