Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
mechanics be like
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”