Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
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Me too door. Me too.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.