I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.