Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
is this how new cars are made??
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
When news reporters do sports stories
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.