10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
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Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I don’t know what to do
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
so much to do
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!