hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
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Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
hey, alexa
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.