Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
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Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Yup.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
hey, alexa
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
fly smarter, not harder
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.