Cucumbers Anonymous
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here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.