Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
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Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.