Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
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Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
How did we not see this back then?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.