Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
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“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.