Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?