ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
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Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Sniffing the broccoli
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My life in a nutshell
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”