A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Welcome to the stomach
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant