Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Genius idea!!
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Mad Max Arctic Road
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move