“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is