Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
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Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears