Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
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There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Who needs an Air Fryer?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂