WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.