You Might Also Like
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Duck typos.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?