I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
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This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.