5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
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Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please