Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
A drum solo but on your face.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No