I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
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Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.