I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
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Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”