The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
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It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
British websites use biscuits.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!