mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
You Might Also Like
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I love twitter
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Kermit goes Blue.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?