Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.