put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
You Might Also Like
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics