EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
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5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.