ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
love it when they get my name right
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.