I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
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My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Imma just leave this here…………
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.